Xone chance is one too muchX (xsofargonex) wrote,
Xone chance is one too muchX

Way too long

Wow, it's been a few months since I've updated. I guess lately, I haven't had much on my mind to let out. I've been told I need to update this more regularly like I used to, so here it goes. Sorry Peter! haha

So what's been up with me? Shit, not too much. The more things stay the same, the more things stay the same. I guess I'm ok with routine. Get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep, a show every now and then, see Paula on the weekends. It seems to have been working and I'm happy. Well as happy as a bitter old man can be. Of course thigns come up that piss me off like with work and with her, but it's expected. Nothing you can do but wait out whatever storm has come ya know?

For some reason, I just feel like letting it out tonight. It's 2 AM and I haven't been up this "late" in a while. Maybe I just can't sleep because today seemed to be a day to give me shit to think about or maybe I just want to watch Lionheart real bad on AMC. For whatever reason, I can't sleep and I kinda feel shitty.

At work today, more people got promoted, that weren't me..of course and then someone had mentioned how they wanted me to buy for a few stores. A few stores? WTF...if you're going to promote me, promote me, don't small table at thanksgiving or the short yellow school bus promote me. Fuck man...of course whenever something like this happens just makes me want to say fuck it and move home. That is always in my mind, but then I freak out and think..Fuck, what could I do back home? I mean I've been with HT for 9 years now. 9 fucking years of my life and I don't have much to show for it. I'm not making the big bucks, I live in a 1 bedroom apartment in a city that is turning more ghetto by the day. All I have are compliments from people that can't do anything for me really and some cool stories. Sometimes I wonder if I never met Paula if I would still be here..I probably would since I seem to pussy out whenever I think of a job and how to make money back home.

When I went back home and hung out at my friends place, it was just rad. I mean she has a house. I should be owning a house now. I should start to be "settling" down..but I feel like I can't. I don't and won't make enough to ever own a house in CA and if I move home, will I be in the same position? Sure houses are cheaper, but would I make enough?

Now's the Paula time. Saturday will be 6 months and now I'm not sure if I'll even see her. We had plans to go to the horror convention, but she sent an email saying how she needs to get out of her house and just wants to pack up her bags and leave CA. An email..one of my things with her is we're supposedto be best friends, but I feel like she doesn't treat me like it. I mean, who emails their best friends saying they're depressed and need to get out of their house? I think at the very least I should expect a phone call. I just don't get it. She does make me happy. I would like to think I've been the happiest I've ever been. I mean I honestly want to stay with this girl and marry her. I know crazy huh?? But when she says things like how she wants to just leave, it makes me wonder. She does hate CA, maybe even more than I do, but at the same time, it's like crying wolf. She has said she is going to do it, but then will turn back around and tell me how I'm the best thing in her life and she would never leave me..but I guess part of me keeps the oppurtunity open, so that if for whatever reason she does decide to leave, it won't surprise me as much. I just don't know...certain things sketch me out..

Other than that, I get to see my boys on Sunday. I didn't get to hang out with em in Boston so I'm stoked I'll see em now. I'm also going to see Old Crow Medicine Show on Saturday which is going to rule. It will be interesting to see them at the Troubadour since they have like 30 peope in their band and the stage is the size of a table..haha

So that's the scoop...sleep tight
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